Thursday, August 25, 2005

How to know when you've become over technologized...

First sign: You keep ripping the hands free ear piece for your cell phone off of your head because the wire gets caught on various inanimate objects around the house as you are working on your laptop (wirelessly), while listening to music on the internet, watching ESPN and taking a meeting with and client and your wife on the other line and someone else altogether on the land line.

Hmmmm, maybe it's just time for a new wireless blue tooth headset and other corresponding toys to take this setup on the road...

What we have here is a failure to communicate...

My wife occassionally goes through bouts where her iron count in her blood gets low. This invariably causes her to be extremely tired, therein making her a tad bit irritable (honest honey, we hardly notice...).

Anyway, this happened recently and she decided she should go and get some iron supplements. I tag along to keep her company. We walk in to the drug store, where an employee overhears our discussion and tries to be helpful, resulting in the following exchange:

Emp: You're looking for iron? It's here in isle 6.
Me: Did you hear that honey? It's in isle 6.
Wife: Where in isle 6? I don't see it.
Emp: It's right here; you just walked past it.

At this point, my wife turns around and heads to where the employee is indicating. Her eyes pick up what he thinks she wants and...

...Queue western street shootout music...

Wife (with nastier look than Clint Eastwood in "Hang 'Em High"): NOT THE CLOTHES IRON.

Truly, no good deed goes unpunished. The employee should be getting out of the hospital in the next few days.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

You know you're a good teacher when...

You know you're a good teacher when one of your students rave over your stereo and then one of them pulls up beside you in traffic and you start pimping the ride...

My new phobia...

Prositutue Phobia. Maybe you have it too? This is a fear of prostitutes. Follow the link above to my new favorite phobia!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Like Father, Like Child...

While sitting at lunch discussing excercises (as I'm trying to lose the twins I've been carrying this year), my wife and I have the following discussion:

Me: I'm liking those excercises where you do crunches on the ball...
Wife: Oooh, yeah, I like those a lot; you can't cheat at them...
Me: Sure you can; I'm very good at it.

And while talking to the oldest about meeting some friends at a different house:

Me: So how do you know where to go?
Oldest: It's the house that has the truck with the different state license plate.
Me: What are you going to do if the truck isn't there?
Oldest: Then I'm in trouble I guess; good thing it's always there...

Yep, that's my child...

Timing of learned things...

On another fine note, KellBell made another post on the girls annual camping trip here which is of note. In this she states several things the girls learned on this years rough experience. Here's my thoughts:

1. Drinking liquor gets you drunk a lot faster than beer. A lesson learned for all future trips.
Me: Most people learn this valuable lesson about the time they start drinking. For some, it is illegally at about 17, while others wait until sometime in their college years. Kegs stands are fun, but as the saying goes, "Liquor is quicker".

2. Getting drunk before noon is only entertaining for some. And as quoted by Bean..."I've heard alcohol impairs your judgement."
Me: This truly depends on where you are standing. If you are the individual getting drunk before noon and not being entertained, then you are the entertainment. If on the other hand, if you are the sober one while others are enjoying the entertainment, then you are the object the entertainment (or drunkard) is focused on. This means you need to either relax and put the focus back on the entertainment or you need to drink more, whichever is easier.

3. Making new friends by calling the wrong cell phone number is a lot of fun! We had an exciting weekend with Chuck over the phone. :)
Me: Ummmm, I'm still trying to figure out why my wife was continually texting a total stranger - while sober even.

4. Four drunk girls changing clothes in one room...not as hot as you'd think.
Me: Send the (explicit) pictures and we'll be the judge. ;)

5. Drunk people should avoid playground equipment. It can be very hazardous and also swings can cause motion sickness. :)
Me: And as we have begun, so we must end. This is again another novel lesson learned at the beginning of the drinking career. Usually ends with someone using the swing to support themselves as they recall what they had for breakfast 3 weeks ago.

And the blog wars have begun...

Not exactly sure why I feel the need to defend my post, but a short while ago I wrote this. In response, one of the girls wrote this.

Now, I agree that they didn't have all the perks and compensations of what most people would consider a nice vacation. However, this trip was never planned on being a vacation. It was cheap entertainment to get the girls together and have some fun. This years' little jaunt however, was not exactly the vision this trip began with. There was electricity, there was air conditioning, there was shopping. Again, not the Ritz, but when you can sit comfortably cool playing cards and drinking alcohol in the middle of a drop down rainstorm, it is not exactly roughing it either.

UPDATE: If I heard correctly, next year's trip isn't supposed to be camping. Not sure if it's a result of the lack of some of the rough edges on this year's trip or not, but let me start by wishing you all lots of luck and clean fun in Vegas next year!!!

The Best

I just returned from my annual girls weekend in MI, as you may have seen my hubbys earlier blog. It is my favorite weekend of every year. Just us 4 girls relaxing, drinking (in case you missed that from my hubby), eating way too much crap, and just catching up on life. As we all get older (ouch, sorry) and life situations change, you just don't have enough time to chit chat with eachother or go out with eachother like we used to. So this is very important to us. It is never a long enough time together, I always find myself wishing we could hang out a few more days.....however, 2 days "roughing it" is plenty....hey, we're still girls. I am still laughing as I sit here and think of all the things said/done through out the weekend. I have found, that we all have our strengths and weaknesses as I am sure all of us have found out and I think we work together quite well. I am still being teased about bringing a papertowel holder camping....just call me Martha. And Bean goes to the bottom of Ohio instead of the Cincinati area......and we are all great at saying some stupid things, especially when imbibing. This year we all took notes on the crazy stuff that we say.....thanks Bean for taking such good notes! We all got shirts and put the 3 funniest quote from each of us on the shirt. With plans of adding more. Here is a snippet of the quotes....I won't tell you who said them, only we can know this. "I'm becoming not in shape to drive you to food" "Be careful-it almost went in my mouth" "I have a problem with beef juice" and I've had worse things on my ass (than dorito cheese)" Not one of these is sexual and for those of you thinking that way.....Guess you had to be there to get the full effect. We know how dang funny we are. Ladies, thank you for such a great weekend.....You are all fabulous women and great friends....I miss you already. Love ya Can't wait until next year.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Roughing it...

As I stated in the previous post, my wife is on her annual "roughing it" camping trip with the girls. Usually, this consists of drinking, tents, trees, drinking, no running water, no electricity, tubing on a river which is also used to keep the drinks cold (for drinking).

This year? This year the girls decided they needed a change of pace. While the place is not the Ritz, it sure is a far cry from roughing it. They've got electricity and air conditioning in a nice cabin. They are close enough to civilization that my wife has been able to text me about 6 times per day while she's been away. Not that I mind, but I do find it very amusing that she's gone all that way to get away from me and the kids, yet is sending me messages on a regular basis.

The other amusing thing which has happened so far? Well, ever since we moved away, my wife needs to fly in order to meet the friends for this trip. This year, the airline she's on decides to have a mechanic strike on the very weekend of her trip. So, her flight out was cancelled prior to her leaving in order to prepare for the strike. While this isn't the amusing part, the fact that she tried calling her friend who was to pick her up from the airport and got Chuck, that's where things start to get funny. Chuck seems to be the man who got this cell phone number where her friend switched companies (I'm thinking it must have been before portable numbers). Anyway, Chuck politely told my wife her friend didn't have this number anymore and probably thought little more about it. In the meantime, I got in touch with her ride AND got the right cell phone number - all is right in the world.

Ah, if that only worked with my wife...See, she was rescheduled with a very early flight out the next day...probably too little coffee, but she started text messaging Chuck to tell her she was in town. Multiple times.

Chuck, instead of getting upset, I mean, here is a beautiful woman calling him all the time, informing him she's on her way to meet other beautiful women (so what if three of them are taken) - why get upset? As it stands now, we think the single girl and Chuck are going to meet up some time. With my wife's track record of getting people together with good stories, everyone should wish the happy couple well...and keep in mind, this is what comes from "roughing it".

Friday, August 19, 2005

Note to wife...

When leaving for a fun-filled 3 day "camping" trip with your friends and there is no food in the house, please warn your husband so he can stop fostering the idea that he only cooks McDonalds cheeseburgers. Thanks, mgmt (hired for weekend rush)

Maybe I just need to teach the oldest to shop and cook. Hmmmm....

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Open letter to the kids...(WARNING: Mush Alert)...

Not sure if it is the age, school starting, or just the kids in general - but I find I'm feeling very melancholy lately. I find that whenever I look at the kids, I see them both as they are now and as I remember them as they first started showing signs of their individual personality. Now, those of you without children are probably reading this and thinking - "Man, he's lost it", while those with kids are probably reading this and thinking - "Man, he HAS lost it". To head off those comments, I never really had it to lose, so, without further ado, this is for the kids:

To the oldest: I was talking with you earlier today, and pointed out that I am very lucky as a parent. You are growing up into a wonderful young person, and I am very proud of you, the decisions you make, and the help you provide the rest of us on a regular basis, be it a funny comment or assisting with some menial task which needs to be done. I am happy that I genuinely like you (something I was never sure would happen when you were little), your friends (most parents don't in my opinion) and the wonderful person you are becoming. Keep up the good work (or I'll get the 2X4 out again).

To the middle: I probably don't say this enough, but sometimes you need to ease up. You can't control the world...yet. Someday maybe, I don't put this past you, but even then, you'll need to see other things beyond the black and white. The world won't stop if you bend a rule. You work hard, have a wonderful personality and are a lot of fun to be around too. Just keep in mind that no one is perfect and they don't have to be and you'll continue to do just fine.

To the youngest: What can I really say? For someone with as little fear as you have, I'm fairly surprised you've lived this long. If it wasn't for being cute and sweet, I don't think even your luck would have held you from that fate for long. Like the two before you, you are a special kid. Warm, caring, and all in all, a pretty good egg. Start using the things on the side of your head a bit better (they are NOT ornamental), and keep on with what you are doing and you'll be just fine.

For all three: I truly can't believe how old you all are, nor can I remember getting here. You all are very special in your own ways - and very similar. You make me laugh, you make me angry, but through it all, you all make me very, very happy. Aside from your Mom, you three are the best things to ever happen in my life and I am very thankful for that every single day (yep, even when I'm swinging the 2x4 for something you did or didn't do...).

It is very strange to me that I see two distinctly different people when I look at each of you. I see the child I remember and love, but I also see the growing kids and young adults you are becoming. Both seem out of place to me, while at the same time both are so very fitting to you all. Remember to be true to yourselves as you grow - you will have responsibilities privileges appropriate for your ages and these things will always keep in the forefront the wonderful kids I've been lucky enough to watch grow. But also remember the child I see whenever I look at you. Don't forget all the things you've learned from playing around, and definitely don't forget all the fun you've had doing so. While responsibility, trust and honor will be how many people will remember you, the ones you truly care about will remember those things and the fun - as will you someday.

I hope you all realize how much I care about you and how much fun we've had to this point. I'm looking forward to the many more years we have for more fun - but I also wanted to leave a little note to remind you of how proud I am of each of you. I know I try to tell you this all the time, but dang it, I wanted something to remind you I mean it - and also to brag to everyone else about it a bit!

Lastly, and I know I say this often, but I love you. No matter what happens, that will never change. I realize I'm partial, but you all are very special and, while I sometimes give you a hard time, are very good kids. Please keep up the good CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!!!

No Problem...


Middle Child: Thanks a lot for messing up my project.
Youngest Child: Thanks a lot for yelling at me.
Middle Child: Not a problem.

Monday, August 15, 2005

You're not old Dad.....

Chatting at the bus stop with the kids, we were discussing my hubbys impending which he stated, "oh yeah, I completely forgot......I am getting really old" My son wasted no time in trying to make his father feel better....."Dad, you're not old, you play sports like golf" I am still giggling. My son obviously hasn't been on a golf course ever to notice all of the gray/bald heads. Tee Hee

Saturday, August 13, 2005

TC is at it again...

Ahh, TC (explained below) is at it again, still trying to futilely change our minds as to the actual culprit. He posted comments to the rebuttal listed here, and I've posted some additional, but then decided I wanted to make sure others saw what was transpiring in case TC comes to visit you someday. So, below is the comments by TC and my follow up. I will try to leave this as my last word, but I'm only now beginning to realize the rabbit hole TC puts me into with his useless arguments for fear of him striking somewhere else unbeknownst to the owners...

Scottland said...
Jury? evidence? What a load of crap. Circumstancial evidence at best. All artists are proud of their work, but this is another over inflated story from the master. The 'download' in question was certainly not signifncant enough to clog anything, let alone your 17th century plumbing. And the tem 'download', disgusting. Who talks like that anyway? I much prefer 'dropping the kids off at the pool' or even'growing a tail'. Let us not forget 'logoff' and the classic "pinching a loaf.' If proper downloading is not possible at your facility, then an upgrade is in order, sir. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

darprice said...
Again - can't be 17th century plumbing - the house is only 3 years old - heck, the neighborhood is only 5 years old. While I realize that water restriction toilets can cause you problems (seem to recall you wanting a trip to Canada for the 5 gallon flushers to assure yourself it'd work when necessary), even you have to admit that the toilet was in working order when you started; why else use it and further gum up the plumbing? With this being the case - the suspect list narrows, no matter how you look to defend...

Next - you were proud of your work - why else refer to the culprit as an "artist" as you do above.

Lastly - the final nail - I got the term "download" from you. I believe even your refusal to admit this aspect of your poop loving ways shows your continueing errors and the not 1, not 2, but FOUR different euphemisms you used for this activity. Say what you will, argue your point all you want, but you will not change my mind, nor likely that of many readers TC (Toilet Clogger).

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Maggie does it again...

Mighty Girl does it again. The post titled Discretion is some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time. Absolute must read.

Rebuttal to the rebuttal - rebut this Potland!!!

A great man some where stated "Them there's fighting words". Not sure it applies here, but I always wanted to say it, so there it is.

Toilet plugging aside, my last comments in return for this is that frankly, I believe that if the 10 year old kid had done it, he'd be proud to admit he'd gummed up the plumbing works. Lastly, I strongly believe that Potland WAS in fact proud he'd gummed up the plumbing as evidenced by the happy whistling during the corrective actions necessary.

Now, I may be known for stretching a tall tale here or there, but in this case I am fairly accurate in the details, and the important ones above I am astoundingly accurate - the 10 year old and wife had absolutely no issues with the toilet, while the old man was happily correcting his large downloading capabilities. You be the judge...

Monday, August 08, 2005

Crazy week...

Went to my high school reunion this weekend. Kinda crazy seeing all those people (and it was really small) after all these years. Also really funny that everyone had the same haircut...hmmmmm - time for plugs I guess!!!

On the way out, I get a call from work asking me to be in STL on Monday, so, I flew home in time to pack and be out again. I'll be home soon, but it is definitely making for some crazy days.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Welcome newcomer...

I'd like to take a second to welcome my brother in law to the world of blogging. If you have a minute I strongly encourage you to begin getting familiar with the often strange and funny musings of Scotland P. Potland at Insanity Junction. He's just starting, so if you don't see his musings, you soon will. There will be I'm sure references to the infamous "Louis Lane went down the drain" poems and others which have had me and mine in tears for several years.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

...but we almost made it...

I think my brother in law is trying to get even for his house being an instant enema for my children. Whoops, wait a second, I suppose I should explain that one before I go too much further.

Since they were wee little tikes, my two youngest would go to my sister's house, (ever so much easier when we were a half block away), and have their best poop five seconds into the house. We were never quite sure if it was induced from them or if they just saved if for sharing pleasure over there, but I would guess that is getting off the main topic and maybe a story for a slow blogging time.

The main topic I'm trying to get to is that while I own a plunger, I frequently go years without using it...unless of course the Grays come to which case there will be a need to at least know of it's existence. In this case, my brother in law goes into the bathroom just after we get the kids in bed for his "daily download". 20 minutes or so later he comes out with a smirk and a call for all adults. His starting line? It is not my fault, however, I do believe we'll need a plunger to finish the job.

In further inspection, he claims it was his wife, his child, anybody but him. But, with each and every further question, it becomes clear that it could be no one else...

Me: "Um, if the toilet was already stopped up, why didn't you call for the plunger before hand?"
Him: "Well, you see, the dynamics of the poop..."
Me: "Um, yeah, I don't really plugged up the toilet, here's the plunger"

At which point he takes the plunger, begins whistling a tune, and finishes completing the transaction...

UPDATE: For those interested in reading the rebuttal, click here. It's not over yet, more will be heard/read and relief will be had!!!!

I bet there's old people there...

My sister and her family come to visit. Really, I guess that's not entirely true, they truly came to hit the country's biggest garage sale - visiting us is just a happy co-winkie-dink.

Anyhow, while leaving me to torture 5 children by myself, the other adults go shopping. In their travels, they come across a strange looking cemetary (probably because it is a very old southern cemetary). To what do wondering ears hear, but my darling sister shouting out... "hey, I bet there's old people in there". I think my brother in law said it best when he retorted with, "Yep, they're just dying to get in".

Monday, August 01, 2005

Bang your head....

Picture this:

Oldest, head banging to...

wait for it, wait for

A BRATZ commercial. Funniest thing I've heard of recently.