Monday, July 30, 2007

Vacation Words of Wisdom...

Middle: Um, can you guys stop talking about drinking for a minute and listen to me?

Middle: Cousin, if I have enough energy when we get back I'm going to kill you...

Older Cousin: You are all up in my grille. Back off.

Older Cousin: I'm grounded from gum. It isn't good for the grille.

Older Cousin: Aunt Sue, you are the most "playa hating" person. Why'd you take my jelly?
Mom: Because otherwise you'd be diabetic...

Uncle: Are you ready for some "reddening of the butt cheeks"? (Meaning ready for a spanking...)

Uncle: I don't like this song. It has quite a few bad words...
Mom: Have you heard you and your wife talk?
Uncle: What? What exactly are you saying?
Mom: That the words coming out of your mouth are worse than what we hear on the radio version of this song (which was the one playing).
Uncle: Biz-eee-yatch...

Aunt: So, we broke so many of these "shark attack" rules...let's see - Rule #1...(at this point, Mom took the rules and threw them away)

Me: Child, (to the youngest) don't let any more kite string out unless you are given permission...(this, after the child let almost all of the string out and I had been reeling it in for about 10 minutes and was only roughly half way done)

Mom: (to oldest cousin) She's gonna pop a cap in your ass if you don't watch it...(literally 5 minutes after complaining about the in-laws language...)

Me: What other "Words of Wisdom" am I missing?
ALL: Don't say another word, he's blogging them...

Oldest Cousin: I'll lick my jelly...

Uncle: Do you mind if I fart?
Me: Nope, go ahead, I've been doing it all day...

(This proceeded to offend several people for the rest of the day, terming us "those gross boys")

Cousin: There's too many people in this store...Yaaaah!!!! (threatening all near her)

Mom: You have a streamer hanging from your nanner...No, not your nipple, your nanner...I don't know how you got that confused...

I'm sure there'll be more, I mean, it really is only the second day of vacation. Maybe later today, we'll play some little Sally Walker...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

5 years and 700+ miles...

All to have Joey Harrington still as my "hometown" quarterback...

Viva la differance!!!

Clarification: I have to say, I feel bad for the guy. I mean, he gets the wrap for not getting the Lions to the "glory" days of 8-8 again, but you have to look beyond him at the sheer incompetence which still resides there regardless of whatever their record this year ends up becoming (dare we to hope for 4 wins?). Then, he takes a gig as Daunte Culpepper's backup with a middling team. What does he do? He ends up with a middling performance. Now, with Atlanta, he's got the opportunity to lead a team, which is definitely not built for a conventional quarterback. I just can't expect much. I mean, take Tom Brady and put him in any of these situations and you don't get a much better result.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Yeah, its kinda like that...

Today was a fun day. The best part? Ooh, that had to be when the door handle to the garage broke. I'll start by saying, that in my entire life in the midwest, I cannot think of a time EVER that I've had or heard of a door handle breaking. Here in the south, I've had it happen twice in 5 years (and one of those was on a door handle less than a year old).

So, I tell the wife I'm going to get door handles...She tells me she's going with. Why, I ask (innocently and not really wanting the answer, but knowing she'd just ruin my Depot time...). The answer? Because the last time you bought a door handle, you bought that ugly BRONZE thing...

Now, in my defense, I bought the "ugly bronze thing" because she wanted a "non-gold tone" handle with a dead bolt. This fit the description and was to the contrary, not ugly. She even admitted it...BEFORE I INSTALLED IT. Bygones.

So, she travels with me to the Depot, where she proceeds to attempt to pick out the MOST EXPENSIVE DECORATIVE handle...FOR THE GARAGE. Bygones. Suffice it to say she didn't get that one. We did get something a bit more beer pocket book.

On the way home, we have the following (snippet of) conversation:

Wife: blah, blah, blah blah blah. Well I guess that just isn't her jar of cookies.
Me: Huh?
Wife: Oh, you know, her bag of potatoe chips.
Me: Do you mean "cup of tea"?
Wife: Yeah, that's it. I knew it was some form of measured food.
Me: Hmmm. Last time I checked, a cup of tea wasn't a food...

But, yeah, I guess its kinda like that...She is soooo pretty...

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Signs...

Sure sign you might be drinking a tad too much:

A while back, while shopping with the youngest children, my wife goes to Kohl's. The following ensued:

Middle: (upon finding a Corona Beer pillow picks it up)
Youngest: (searches and finds a lime pillow)

Together: Hmmmm. Mom, how do you get the lime in the bottle?

For some reason, the wife didn't decide to fill me in on this story until recently? What do you think? Hiding a problem? ;)

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Family Phone Torture...

Phone rings...

Me: Hello?
Sister's Oldest: Hi. Is your oldest there?
Me: Um, what do you want?
Sister's Oldest: Um, your oldest...
Me: For what?
Sister's Oldest: I want to ask a Pokemon question...
Me: Shoot then. I know all there is to know about Pokemon...
Sister's Oldest: OK. I have a question about Shaladon. I want to know whether I should invite it to a party...
Me: You want to invite Shaladon to a tea party? First, you realize that it isn't real, right? And you realize you are a little old to be throwing tea parties for fictional beings? Seriously, why would you want Shaladon to come to a tea party? Do Shaladon's even like tea? I mean, really?

"click"

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

More food fun...

I guess yesterday was a blast for the wife and the oldest. See, the oldest was bored and the wife suggested making my favorite sweet (no, ice cream is not my only downfall - otherwise I wouldn't appear to be pregnant). Anyway, the child makes no bake cookies. Now, growing up, no bakes were my singular weakness. Unfortunately, with age, I've developed a nasty problem where I can't have beer, honey or nuts (including peanut butter - the biggest ingredient in no bakes).

So, I come out of the office on a break, and there are the no bakes. Immediately, I start slobbering thinking how I might be able to have just one (famous last words). I get agitated, and give the child grief. The kid's response? Yep, eat a no bake, right there, right in front of me.

Later that night, when the wife comes home from work, I'm giving her grief as well (for eating 6 no bakes in front of me). The best part, was the karma train. The oldest tries to stick up for the wife, but does so by swinging the remote. Said remote, hits the wife in the knee.

I laughed so hard I could hardly breathe. Man, I love that there karma train...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Ice Cream Rebuttal...

Ahem. I just want to point out that the "debacle" does not begin where the wife decided to begin it. Nor, can I state it ends where she ended it. This being said, here is the real story.

First, let us start the evening with a wonderful fatherly idea from the night before. I was in a bad mood, and determined that our family should go for good ice cream. On the way, every member of my family gained/lost/regained (and in some cases, re-lost) their ice cream. In the end, we all got the goods, but the two oldest were kinda touch and go for a while.

Tonight, the wife and oldest begin picking on me mercilously. This incited a bout of tickle torture, in which I won. At the end of this, is where the wife's story begins. She leaves out that the child was eating out of the carton. She leaves out that no one even thought of offering me any ice cream (as any respectable person would offer another). She leaves out that I rummage through the freezer, to find another suitable carton of ice cream to partake in, but the only readable part of the container is the top. The lid which states clearly the container is filled with cookies and cream, only to open it to plain vanilla. Now, vanilla is fine, but it is no cookies and cream. This leaves me with just chocolate yogurt...well, that, or stealing the sneaky neighbor child's ice cream. Knowing me as you all do, you know what I did...Of course I took the neighbor kid's. I mean, it isn't like that one lives here and can whine to me about it for more than a night. Alas, the wife did not allow that to stand up.

So, here I am back to the yogurt. And as I scoop out my yogurt, the oldest comes over begging for me to scoop. This wonderful, sweet child, who wouldn't even offer me any of the last tidbits. And this puts me into my ice cream rant. A rant so vile that it caused the wife to pee. And almost cost me a child who thought that eating nearly full container of yogurt from the carton would be a good idea...

Welcome to my life. This, is why ice cream is my favorite. It brings the family together - not always in a good way, but always, together.

Ice cream debacle

The husband LOVES ice cream! With that said, the kids and their friends wanted an evening snack of ice cream. I scoop out most of the remaining cookie dough ice cream and then give the remainder in the carton to the oldest(there was like 4 bites). Husband sees said ice cream container and bellows something about why doesn't he get any!?? GEEZ! Thus begins the rustling thru the freezer in which hubby then brings out, what he thinks, his next favorite, Oreo. That's when I had to drop the bomb on him that it really is plain vanilla ice cream with an Oreo lid I had mixed up. LMAO!! At this point there is a notable amount of steam rolling from his ears and me doubled over in laughter trying desperately not to pee myself. Poor baby had to suffer with stinkin frozen chocolate yogurt! Yum! I'm still giggling.

Monday, July 02, 2007

What goes around, comes around...

Me (To the oldest): So, why did you buy a "My Little Pony"?
Oldest: Because they're cute. And besides that, my friend likes to name them. He named one "SugarMagnificentPepperSprinkles"...and THAT is such a cool name. I hope he gives mine a cool name like that...

Um, yeah. Kinda like a circle. Give it another week or two and Monchi-chi, Monchi-chi's will make a blazing comeback too...