Things that make you go hmmmm...

Not sure how we show up #6 in this search, but I ain't arguing...

They say it's your Birthday...

Happy birthday to the most wonderful wife in the whole wide world. Today, my wife hits 33 and finally catches up to me. So, to the most important person in my life, I want to say "Happy Birthday". You may be getting older, but you definitely are getting better with age.

Today, I offer the following reminiscences:

-Remember way back BC (Before Children)? Remember playing "footsies" under the table at Silverman's?

-Remember our first apartment? Remember your mother "christening" the walls (and every new place since)?

-Remember THE waterfight?

-Remember saying "I do"?

-Remember our first house?

-Remember the flamingos on the lawn?

There are so many other remembrances we can add in here, and it doesn't even cover half of your life. For my part, I'm glad to have you catch up, but more importantly, I'm looking forward to sharing the next 33 (and then some) with you. So, while it may not be flowers (yet), please remember that you are my world and that your family loves you very much.

Now, let the spankings begin...

Dorks...

I don't know what spawned the comment, but I called the children by their pet nicknames - Dork1, Dork2 and Dork3. Unfortunately, that spawned an argument between them about who was who...

So, to assuage further argument, here is the order:

Dork1 belongs to the oldest as this child has been dorkier longer.
Dork2 belongs to the youngest child as this child has taken dork to a whole new level.
Dork3 belongs to the middle child, as this one just kinda makes you shake your head.

In the meantime, they ofttimes refer to us, their adoring parents, as "Pinkie"...according to Dork2, this was being applied as Junie B. Jones sometimes calls her grandfather "Pinkie". It worked about as well with him as it does with us. Anyway, whenever Dork2 refers to one of us this way, it always reminds the wife and I of "Pinkie and the Brain" which then causes us to sing the theme song:

They're Pinkie and the Brain, Pinkie and the Brain.
One is a genius, the other insane.
They're laboratory mice, their genes have been spliced.
They're dinky, they're dinky, they're Pinkie and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain...dun-de-dun-dun
NARF!!!

Hmm, maybe they come by it honestly...

Erroneous Placement...

While snuggling with the wife, the oldest comes up to snuggle as well and the following occurs:

Oldest: What's wrong Dad?
Me: Erroneous placement of elbow...
Oldest: Ewwww...sorry.
Wife: He he, he didn't say "you elbowed me in the balls", he said "Erroneous placement of elbow"...
Oldest: Yeah, he could have said "You elbowed me in the nads..."
Wife: You said "nads". He He

Do you feel the love? Yeah, me neither...

War...

This morning, I took the (nerf) gun, snuck up on the enemy encampment (the wife reading her magazine) from above (the upstairs walkway) and the ambush ensued. It was crazy, to the point that the enemy was winging bullets back at me as fast as I could shoot them. The children became embroiled in the nastiest with the oldest choosing a weapon and joining me, while the middle was hurling back with mother. The youngest? Well, that smart child was winging it for whoever seemed to be winning, which was good for me since I had the high ground. So, with the youngest grabbing our bullets and returning them, the oldest and I pummelled the enemy.

At some point however, all of the children turned and I was pinned in a corner. It was crazy and I was just glad to get out alive. So, amidst laughter and flying missles, I was just happy to escape alive. War, at least in this family, is(n't) hell...

Cycle of Life...

It's been a very crazy couple of weeks. First, one of the people I've worked with forever had his brother pass away. Just as he's getting ready to come back, another co-worker had his grandfather pass. On the same day, my aunt passed. The next day? Well, another co-worker I've worked with forever had his wife pass away.

Currently, we are all working on the same project, so logistics have been fun and concentration has been rare. On a personal note, my thoughts are with each and every person impacted by these losses. Two of the deaths were somewhat expected, while the other two were totally unexpected, however, many people have been and will be deeply affected by these losses.

My thoughts are with you Don, Jim, Mark, Marq - there is nothing I can say which can express my sadness for your losses. Time will help the pain somewhat, but it cannot take away the memories and the good times. Our loved ones live on with us, in our hearts, minds and souls. We recognize them in our friends, families and other loved ones. They've touched all who knew them and have made the world a better place for it. They will be missed and never forgotten.

Open Letter...

To the glorious people at Radiant Research, Inc.,

I realize some women suffer premenstrual symptoms that go beyond what can be effectively managed in regular ways. I know there can be severe mood swings and physical symptoms interferring with everyday life. I have experience with these issues first hand.

Yes, the week prior to menstruation, I suffer symptoms such as irritability, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, difficulty concentrating, angry outbursts and even physical problems such as bloating and these symptoms always disappear a few days afterwards, but somehow, I don't think I could be suffering from premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

So, while I'm glad there is a physician researching this very set of issues, I promise I cannot be a qualified participant. While the free physical exams, laboratory tests, "other" medical assessments and potential study "medicine or placebo" sound wonderful, I don't think they'll be necessary. I realize there is no guarantee for signing up, but I guarantee that this letter truly irritated me.

Why you ask - especially when I have so many of the symptoms of PMDD? Well, because I'm a 33 year old MALE you ninnies!!! I, like so many men before me and after me, suffer along with my wife these wonderful symptoms. I get severe mood swings due to my wife changing personalities. I get physical symptoms, because I don't duck fast enough and my wife beats the crap out of me. These things make me irritable and depressed. As all good husbands know, when your wife doesn't sleep, you don't sleep either, which then causes difficulty concentrating (especially when trying to avoid flying objects) and angry outbursts. Personally, I think the bloating tends to get caused due to the high level of sodium the family gets in our diet around this time, but it could be caused by so many of the other varying factors too. But in the end, I'm still a man and cannot be part of your study.

Hmm, come to think of it, if you were any good at your jobs, you'd already know I was male and not eligible, which now makes me think the doc may also be a quack since he probably spent less on getting you involved then he would on a pack of gum. Please, for future reference, don't contact me for anything - male or female related you ignoramous'.

Thanks,

Management (aka darprice)

It's their first...

As some of you may know, I'm a crazed NHL fan, made even more rabid by the unholy happenstance of a year with no hockey and beginning the season in a great NHL town with nothing else to do. I won't go into too much detail there, but I've seen more NHL games in person this year then I've seen all the rest of my life combined. As a result, I'm finding I tend to watch more games on TV too. (Note to Gary Bettman: OHL was not the answer to ESPN's reduced bid. Please fix this fiasco immediately. Thanks.)

Now, I don't watch a lot of sports or push for too much TV time generally as I'll watch most anything. I can dish on Desparate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy with as much vim and vigor as I can about Teen Titan's and the like. About the only thing I cannot abide anymore is Sponge Bob - and that only because I've seen every episode at least 5 times and now get it in stereo - from the wife if not the children, but I digress. When I do happen to turn an NHL game on for a few minutes, it can clear a room. But this year, all of the children asked to be taken to a game. The wife (who is also an avid NHL fan) and I couldn't resist the temptation, especially since we live in an area that has tickets for $10 (even before the lockout) always available. So, last night we took the plunge.

The kids, not knowing what to expect were immediately excited and nervous. Excited for the experience, while nervous that they wouldn't like it. The youngest even got nervous when they turned the lights down because he didn't know what was going to happen. As it turns out, they all enjoyed the game tremendously and are looking forward to going some other time soon (guess I need to get another job). It was the kids first professional sporting event, and I think we've got 'em hooked. So, while the home team lost, the kids won - and ultimately, that is the way things should always work out.

It takes all kinds...

My wife is turning 33 this month. As an early birthday gift, I took her to see one of her favorite bands - Aerosmith. Well, let me rephrase - I took her so she could drool over one of her favorite celebrities - Steven Tyler. (Honestly, I've never gotten the infatuation, but since I adore Liv, I suppose I can let this slide...)

Anywho, we went to the concert and had a great time. And while I love Aerosmith's music, I must say that the crowd around us may have been more entertaining by far. First, there was the guy in the row immediately behind us who for some strange reason, every time he moved to the beat of either a mellow Lenny Kravitz song or a raucous chorus of one of the Aerosmith tunes, would rock back and forth spasmodically while rubbing the left side of his chest. It gets even funnier when the girl he was with (as shown by her sitting irritatedly in her chair and plether pants while holding his hand), refused to acknowledge anything around her.

Next special group, were a couple in the row immediately in front of us, neither of which had rhythm. They reminded me nothing so much as today's yuppie crowd, who would have fit nicely in with the peace/love/rock'n'roll crowd of the 60's. I'm thinking they must have been hopped on drugs as well since that (and Aerosmith) would be about all to connect the two very disparate groups of people I could see them melding with.

The last was a couple immediately in front of us. For the life of me, I still can't figure out what they were doing at the concert. They both were attempting to take naps on each other during the whole thing. I mean, why pay money to go to a public place for a nap? And if you're going to do it anyway, why not just pay the cover charge at a bar and get smoke too?

Anyway, these were the groups I found most interesting. In the meantime, Lenny, Steven (and now apparently Joe Perry) kept the wife drooling. Couple all of this with amazing music and a great show, and we obviously had a good time. So, happy early birthday baby - and ROCK ON!!!

Here's wishing a happy birthday to the oldest...

The oldest turns a defining age today: 13

Yes, we now have a teenager in the house. To celebrate, we took the child and a few friends (both boys and girls) out to dinner. To give an example of the conversation, I decided to take notes on the topics. I might have missed a few, but this is a fairly accurate sampling:

-Birds and the Bees (or, what every parent of a new teen wants to discuss with their kids and their friends)
Kid 1: Oooh, I remember having the conversation about the birds and the bees...
Kid 2: Huh. I didn't get a stinking birds and bees conversation, my parents were much more blunt on the subject...

-Burning to a crisp (I couldn't even begin to understand how the segway worked here)
Kid 1: You'd burn to a crisp, at least when Mercury and Venus vaporize...
Kid 2: Yeah, but you wouldn't want to be in a cold bath when it happens, because, then, the water would boil and just burn you worse...

-Nuclear Weapons Ummm, cause it's kinda similar to burning for environmental reasons?

-Ferrets Because one of the kids just got one...
Kid: And my ferret has a magnet in his head. Either that, or he's just dumb. He keeps banging his head on his cage... (kinda like I started doing on the table probably...)

-Screetching chalkboards Because this is important to every student

-Jumping out of playschool windows This is just a natural transition folks...

-Hw to hurt each other Yep, their friends (maybe even BFF)

Fashion Designers From one of the boys. This boy already has a very strong sense of self and masculinity. But again, I never could figure out how this transition in conversation happened.

So, by the end of dinner, I knew it to be official that I had a teenager in the house by the fact that I no longer understood the conversation changes, let alone content. It really is going to stink with all of us being this confused all the time...

The Dishwasher...

Mom: We get the new dishwasher today...
Youngest: Cool!!!
Mom: Yeah, wouldn't be cool if we got one that not only cleaned the dishes, but also put them away?
Youngest: Yeah!!! Do they make those?
Mom: Nope, that's why we had you...

Nothing like breaking it to 'em gently dear...

Okay, that was weird...

The oldest is approaching the teen years rapidly. Also, is very interested in computers and the like...but even so, I was entirely surprised when I was asked to explain my job...in detail; then even more shocked that I was listened to actively and attentively. There just might be a computer programmer following in my footsteps someday. Maybe it's time to start paying more attention to what I do and actually working at becoming something like accomplished.

Naw, that'd be too much work.

Gamers...

You know you are getting old as a gamer when your youngest child challenges you to a new game, you play and get beat. You then tell yourself that it was because you were taking it easy, so don't feel too bad (even though the little snot-bucket is rubbing it in...). You play a rematch, with the skill levels more or less even, and proceed to get KILLED...AGAIN - only WORSE.

Yep, time to think about hanging it up...that, or do what I did, which is basically play all day to get familiar with the game so the next time you play, you win decisively and send the snot-bucket snivelling back to their mother...or, um, something like that.

I wouldn't know, since this entire post is, uh, you know, hypothetical and all.

Now, stop your whining and let's play again...